For those of you who know me, you know that I LOVE kids and not only am I a foster parent but I am also a social worker. I have held a few different "social work"/kid friendly jobs over my years. I have been a baby sitter, nanny, family support specialist, treatment worker, and currently I am an investigator of child abuse and neglect.
Throughout my years of working with kids (even in high school) I have noticed a trend. Often times parents, caregivers, grandparents, teachers, foster parents, daycare workers, and even complete strangers have referred to kids as BAD or as being bad.
I have never really understood who started this but it truly ticks me off!
Why?
Because kids are NOT BAD! They may break rules, disrupt your plans, and fail to listen at times, they are KIDS! that is what they are supposed to do. They are learning, every single day, and what we teach and say to them has lasting impressions on their lives and their personalities. This is why it truly makes me angry when I hear someone telling a child they are "bad"!
What are we saying to our kids when we continually tell them that they are bad?
Think about the message we are sending...
What do we do with things that are bad? 99% of the time, we throw them AWAY!
When fruit goes bad, we throw it away.
When the sound in a TV goes bad, we throw it away.
When milk goes bad, we throw it away.
See the trend???
We wonder why kids act out, feel unloved, and have such a hard time adjusting. Perhaps it is because for most of their lives they have been told their bad. It may seem like a little thing but in their mind, ESPECIALLY with FOSTER KIDS, they are constantly wondering, "if I am bad, will they throw me away" (aka kick me out).
Unfortunately this is what happens a lot.
Think about it, would you want to stay in a place where you were constantly told you were bad, having to constantly worry about whether or not you would be there the next day. No, you'd leave before you had the chance to get thrown out.!
Do children act out and misbehave? ABSOLUTELY! But they are kids, we as adults have bad day, we have "Cranky" moods, we get stressed out, we get frustrated. SO DO KIDS! The difference is we have learned over the years how to cope with these issues and how to calm ourselves down. Some kids DON'T.
Children will never learn how to do these things unless we teach them and any good teacher will tell you that part of the teaching process is repeat, repeat, repeat and LISTEN.
Kids value their time with you, they want to know that you love them and care about them enough to spend time with them and listen to them.
Lots of kids act out to get your attention whether positive or negative! You may be yelling at them or holding them in their room to get them to calm down, but to them, you're with them which is what they wanted to begin with and just couldn't tell you. What message are we sending them if every time they act out we tell them they are bad and punish them instead of teaching them something!
Here is a basic example:
Today Little Miss got in trouble at daycare. She started to talk to me about it, however when my husband came in the room she stopped and immediately started acting up. We struggled with this for well over 30 minutes. She refused to talk about it and proceeded to suck her finger and talk like a baby telling me no. Finally we went to her room and her and I talked alone. It was then that i LISTENED and learned that she was scared to tell Keenan because he was a man and she didn't want him to get mad at her. This is a child that was punished severely by men in her life for "Being Bad". Her fears made perfect sense, she didn't know how he would respond, and after we talked about the fact that Keenan may be disappointed with her behavior but would NEVER get mad at her or hurt her she said she knew this because he was so nice and she went out and told him. Her fears were real! It happened before. She doesn't make the connection that 1 he would not do this, and 2 he is not allowed as a foster parent to do this. All she knew was that he was a man. She didn't know what would happen. She certainly knows now, and after our talk she went out and talked to Keenan about it. But had we not taken the time to listen to her we would have never known this.
Yes this is a little thing but we have to remember that all little things add up and to a child something that is so small to us could be consuming their every thought!
Please just think about this when you see a child "acting out". Please stop telling children they are bad!
A CHILD IS NOT BAD, THEY DO NOT GO BAD! They CANNOT be throw away! They simply need love, patience, routine, and someone to care.
The next time you see a child acting out, PLEASE remember, You don't know what that child has been through or how the they are feeling. Maybe they just need an encouraging word, someone to acknowledge them. Little things like this can mean SO much!
Ok, I think I'm done ranting now! LOL
I have never really understood who started this but it truly ticks me off!
Why?
Because kids are NOT BAD! They may break rules, disrupt your plans, and fail to listen at times, they are KIDS! that is what they are supposed to do. They are learning, every single day, and what we teach and say to them has lasting impressions on their lives and their personalities. This is why it truly makes me angry when I hear someone telling a child they are "bad"!
What are we saying to our kids when we continually tell them that they are bad?
Think about the message we are sending...
What do we do with things that are bad? 99% of the time, we throw them AWAY!
When fruit goes bad, we throw it away.
When the sound in a TV goes bad, we throw it away.
When milk goes bad, we throw it away.
See the trend???
We wonder why kids act out, feel unloved, and have such a hard time adjusting. Perhaps it is because for most of their lives they have been told their bad. It may seem like a little thing but in their mind, ESPECIALLY with FOSTER KIDS, they are constantly wondering, "if I am bad, will they throw me away" (aka kick me out).
Unfortunately this is what happens a lot.
Think about it, would you want to stay in a place where you were constantly told you were bad, having to constantly worry about whether or not you would be there the next day. No, you'd leave before you had the chance to get thrown out.!
Do children act out and misbehave? ABSOLUTELY! But they are kids, we as adults have bad day, we have "Cranky" moods, we get stressed out, we get frustrated. SO DO KIDS! The difference is we have learned over the years how to cope with these issues and how to calm ourselves down. Some kids DON'T.
Children will never learn how to do these things unless we teach them and any good teacher will tell you that part of the teaching process is repeat, repeat, repeat and LISTEN.
Kids value their time with you, they want to know that you love them and care about them enough to spend time with them and listen to them.
Lots of kids act out to get your attention whether positive or negative! You may be yelling at them or holding them in their room to get them to calm down, but to them, you're with them which is what they wanted to begin with and just couldn't tell you. What message are we sending them if every time they act out we tell them they are bad and punish them instead of teaching them something!
Here is a basic example:
Today Little Miss got in trouble at daycare. She started to talk to me about it, however when my husband came in the room she stopped and immediately started acting up. We struggled with this for well over 30 minutes. She refused to talk about it and proceeded to suck her finger and talk like a baby telling me no. Finally we went to her room and her and I talked alone. It was then that i LISTENED and learned that she was scared to tell Keenan because he was a man and she didn't want him to get mad at her. This is a child that was punished severely by men in her life for "Being Bad". Her fears made perfect sense, she didn't know how he would respond, and after we talked about the fact that Keenan may be disappointed with her behavior but would NEVER get mad at her or hurt her she said she knew this because he was so nice and she went out and told him. Her fears were real! It happened before. She doesn't make the connection that 1 he would not do this, and 2 he is not allowed as a foster parent to do this. All she knew was that he was a man. She didn't know what would happen. She certainly knows now, and after our talk she went out and talked to Keenan about it. But had we not taken the time to listen to her we would have never known this.
Yes this is a little thing but we have to remember that all little things add up and to a child something that is so small to us could be consuming their every thought!
Please just think about this when you see a child "acting out". Please stop telling children they are bad!
A CHILD IS NOT BAD, THEY DO NOT GO BAD! They CANNOT be throw away! They simply need love, patience, routine, and someone to care.
The next time you see a child acting out, PLEASE remember, You don't know what that child has been through or how the they are feeling. Maybe they just need an encouraging word, someone to acknowledge them. Little things like this can mean SO much!
Ok, I think I'm done ranting now! LOL
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